my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I want is dick and wine.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
