Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
