in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
