just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
