this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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