im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
