Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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