Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my shit smells like andre
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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