I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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