I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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