I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
