If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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