dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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