she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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