i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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