Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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