woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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