it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
