Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
