He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
They are going to name an STD after you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize