i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
