watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
