I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
