what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
