new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
