Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize