you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
