Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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