God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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