Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize