Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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