I would go down on you faster than GM stock
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
