I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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