his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
