just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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