Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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