I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
