Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
