a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
