I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
