Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
