you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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