i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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