I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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