sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
