either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i drank out of a bidet.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize