Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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