White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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