Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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