yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
