The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize