that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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