i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
