Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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