I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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