you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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