Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
