you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
