I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
