Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
