I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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